Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Techies Take O-Town

Thank God the Internet is more stable today - wireless at the Omni is pretty shite. So here I am again for another software conference. It's the usual IT-geek scene - mostly middle-age men in polos and chinos, running around with RFID badges to hear thrilling presentations on software roadmaps and integrations by day and chugging beers and passed hors d'oeuvres after the sessions wrap up. The hotel is pretty far from everything, but tonight they are bussing us to Universal Studios for a live Fear Factor performance. It should be interesting to watch software vendors and customers compete at bug eating or whatever.

Last night I got invited to a swank (for Orlando) dinner with C-level folks, both from my company and from the conference sponsor. The chardonnay got the best of me, and at the urging of the CEO et al. I ended up doing an a capella rendition of the first verse of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" (the annoying song from The Bodyguard) on the eternal bus ride back to the hotel. It brought the house down, which I guess is better than the glass windows.

Friday, January 27, 2006

In Vino Divertas

Connecting through O'Hare sucks. Luckily my friends had some bottles of wine open and invited me over on my way home. Yee ha.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Size Matters - for Bats - Who Woulda Thunk It?!

Apparently bat testicle size is inverse to brain size. This quote says it all - "Bats invest an enormous amount in testis, and the investment has to come from somewhere. There are no free lunches".

Several thoughts came to mind after I read this:
  • Duh!
  • Who in their right mind would measure bat testicles?!
  • Aren't there more pressing research topics out there, like curing cancer or factors that matter for human evolution?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I Wish I Could Go Back to College

Just finished reading I Am Charlotte Simmons. This was a pretty accurate depiction of what happens on campus these days. Coke dates have taken on a whole new meaning, and "gentlemen" do not hold doors but they will gladly grasp onto the female body if they perceive even the slightest hint of an invitation. Some of the slang used was unfamiliar to me, but then again I have been out for over five years now. (God, am I that old now?)

In some ways I related to how Charlotte felt when I started freshman year - nervousness on taking on the mammoth challenge of a prestigious university, meeting new people - but I feel snapped out of it pretty quickly. Plus I think she was too hard on herself with Hoyt taking advantage of her. I had some experiences with guys where they acted like jerks, but it didn't cause me to fail my finals. I just commiserated with my girlfriends over a vodka-cran and sought out someone new (lather, rinse, repeat).

Karma seems to play an important role in how this book plays out. In some ways, this is unrealistic. It is all too rare that the "tools" get that kind of revenge over the BMOCs, to use an 80's phrase for lack of a better. All the bitchy girls at CU stuck together, and the athletes generally did not settle into monogamous relationships with nice gals. (Who out there remembers when a certain hockey player propositioned me frosh year for a threesome with his teammate? Just for the record, I turned them down on the spot.)

One strange thing about this book, it made me very nostalgic for college, to the point where I am seriously thinking about going back to school in some capacity. After I finished my hellacious final semester, I swore off additional graduate education. Now, I haven't decided what I would study, but part-time study sounds appealing to me right now [put crackpipe down].

Saturday, January 14, 2006

My Pathetic Moral Dilemma

Having recently seen the movie Munich, I have been pondering my own moral conundrums. However, mine are not as profound as whether it is justified to kill people who planned the slaughter of my country's Olympic athletes. They are almost embarassing.

I take serious issue with the practices of some companies, such as Walmart and Starbucks. Walmart sucks the life out of their employees and the neighborhoods where they open up superstores. Starbucks makes really acidic coffee in almost every pocket of the world at the expense of every other coffee joint (of course, they are always closed at Kansas City International Airport when I need a pick-me-up). However, being on my own in Kansas City, the only thing late around here are Walmart. So one night, I went in for a couple of toiletries and ended up spending much too much money. Plus, I can't seem to stay away from the good ol' FourBucks even though it's overpriced, agita-inducing, and generic.

Do I stick to my guns and avoid these stores, or do I satisfy my craving for cheap retail and mediocre coffee?

I have too much free time to think about this stuff working here :(.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Her Cheating Mouth

Just got this in my Inbox. Lesson learned, boys and girls: Never grovel over email for cheating on your boyfriend.

She said:
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.

His response:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to Carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill c*um-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child p*orn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Testing my Resolve

2005 has come and gone. It seemed more accelerated towards the last few months, but I guess Purgatory made the summer seem longer than it was. At this time last year, I set a goal to lose 10 more pounds, travel to some exotic locales, and buy a tenor sax (well, at least be more cultural). Instead, I have gained about 5 pounds and ventured to such exotic locales as Vancouver, London, and Turks and Caicos, and I am still horn-less. The weight gain probably irks me the most out of all of these, although it has piled on very recently and there is more to it than pure laziness. The older I get, the more conflicted I am getting about how I look versus how I want to look. At the same time, I wonder if it all really matters in the end and if looking like a lollilop is worth the aggravation. After all, my boyfriend has not run backwards out of my apartment shrieking at the sight of my slightly expanded girth. In fact, I don't know if he really caught on to it until I told him.

This year, I still want to lose ten pounds and travel like a fiend and be cultural and all that stuff. However, maybe I'll augment my resolutions to do something positive as well, like be able to finally do unassisted pullups. I think I'll also take it easy on myself. My only travel goal for this year is to go visit my friend C during her Peace Corps stint in Morocco; anything else is a bonus. Plus, instead of getting frustrated and aggravated with the uncertainty and BS I put up with at work or in day-to-day, I am going to try to seek the adventure and hidden "Easter eggs" in life every day. This may sound a little corny, but I think it will prove to maintain my sanity better than any pharmeceutical, even in the face of heinous managers and bank fees.

Happy New Year, friends! Hope everyone got a good NYE kiss. I am off to digest the scrumtdiddlyumptous meal Jason and I stuffed down our gullet at the Capitol Grille. BTW - Dave and I agree the Delmonico with balsamic glaze was fork-licking good. Yes, I know it will not do wonders for my waistline - I start South Beach Phase 1 (again) tomorrow.