Reminder that I'm not getting any

Maybe I spoke too soon. One of my neighbors (probably not the couple with two kids next door) let out a series of orgasmic shrieks last night at around midnight. I don't think she was lifting weights. Ho hum...

This morning on my way to work, the guy next to me on the E train (who was total 80's redux with the jogging pants and the Jerri-curled hair tied back in a small braid in the back) kept using my thigh as an armrest. I had to restrain myself from bitchslapping him. Glaring and squirming didn't work, so I finally tapped him on my shoulder and pointed out that his elbow was on my leg. Ugh...

Safety Last

Some things I hate about living alone in an apartment:

• I have found four bugs so far, one dead. Two of them had thousands of legs and took up residence in my bathtub. My bathroom is not a bug spa.
  
• My neighbors make a lot of noise, between the kids watching Saturday morning cartoons or their parents having late-night conversations in some south Asian dialect. At least they do not have loud sex.
  
• This weekend I grilled a rib-eye on my stove. My apartment still smells like well-done meat.
  
• Speaking of the stove, my pilot lights constantly go out. I live in fear of being gassed in my sleep.
  
• I cannot shower in peace. Tonight, towards the tail end of my post-workout bath, after I'm all nice and relaxed, the smoke alarm went off. My water doesn't even get that hot. So there I was, dripping on my duvet, towel falling off, trying to yank out the battery without getting electrocuted. It took me 10 minutes to get the battery out. My neighbors probably hate me; I know my dad is sick of me calling with all my problems, especially late at night. I had to punch the alarm so that it wouldn't deafen me. Now I need a new smoke alarm.
  

Gah...

ARGH

Very irritated at this point in time. My feet and decolletage are peeling, and my skin has broken out from all the cocoa butter goo I have been slathering on to keep my skin bronzed and supple. Then Jesus Christ Superstar showed up today. Even though I am highly against better living through pharmeceuticals, I think this situation calls for high doses of Xanax. Damn, this summer is gonna suck.

I need a hug, preferably from a hottie with good arms.

Back to the grind...

My vacations was a success! Besides getting to the airport three hours early to compensate for our 100-meter dash to the gate last week, I have a great tan and managed to finish two books and get through most of a third:
The Godfather Returns: Very similar to Mario Puzo's style - easy prose, the usual sex, murder, and good food. No surprise, lots of people get whacked. It's interesting how they make Fredo out to be a finocchio and give Michael a rebellious, family-loathing side.
Avoiding Prison and Other Noble Vacation Goals: I enjoyed reading this on vacation. It evokes some schadenfreude, especially when reading about other people's issues in foreign countries while stressing over whether to sit by the beach or the pool. I don't think I would ever date a convict in a Colombian jail, but that's just me.
The Russian Debutante's Handbook: Very cute. It reminds me of Jonathan Cranzen's The Corrections with respect to the cliches used and the funny business in the former Soviet bloc (although Shteyngart mocks Prague with his phony Prava, Stolovan Republic instead of setting the story in a real city). I enjoyed the peppering of conversation with Russian and the references to locations in New York.

Now, it's back to Reality. Man, I should have taken a couple days off this week after I got back. I am still in Island Mode anyway. Introduced myself to a co-worker I had already met because I didn't recognize him in a suit (although the Island Mode excuse worked well). The client inbox had about 300,000 emails to sift through, most of which ended up in the Recycle Bin. I did get some satisfaction from my tan matching my khaki pants on my first day back.

There is some random guy with really bad posture whom I caught staring directly at my chest - twice! Did he not see me glaring at him when I noticed it the first time? Question to all you men out there - do you REALLY think we are oblivious to this, and that we appreciate it?

Socks on the beach

Provo has been great so far. Did some snorkelling, managed to avoid coral stings and barracuda bites. Lots of beachcombing, sitting around doing nothing, just relaxing. Our biggest decisions are whether to sit by the beach or the pool, whether to sneak into the posh condo resort next door and use their beach chairs and umbrellas, and which of the overpriced local joints to have a meal. So far my favorite is the Tiki Hut, which used to be the Third Turtle Inn when I was here 15+ years ago.
I have been very religious with sunscreen, reapplying my SPF 15 regularly. Especially since on Wednesday I managed to get a patchwork sunburn due poor reapplication, and it was particularly annoying on the tops of my feet. I looked like a defective spumoni ice cream - vanilla chocolate and strawberry swirled together. On Thursday I wore socks poolside, it was so unbearable. My cousin took a picture, but I will not post it.

Paradise found

Yes, I have been really slacking in posting. No, this will not change any time soon. I am in Providenciales, Turks and Caicos, British West Indies (i.e., the Caribbean). No cell phone, no laptop. Nya nya...